my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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