I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
