someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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