She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
