I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
