Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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