Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
