I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize