My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
