How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he told me I talked like a deaf person
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
