I want to make a zoo with you.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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