you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
