I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
