In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Still dying that you shit outside
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
