Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
