I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
