My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
