well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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