No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
