I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
