8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
