I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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