I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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