I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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