i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
