I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
