haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
