i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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