Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
