So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Randomize
