quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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