I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
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