I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
do herpes really smell.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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