my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize