I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
