I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize