Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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