Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
