I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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