I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize