I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
