How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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