Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
