He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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