Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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