I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
