I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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