I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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