there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
