Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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