i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
