Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
