dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
