Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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