community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
