We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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