so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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