i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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