If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
