Michael Bay diarrhea
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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