I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
